I'm Trying

 

Originally published May 4, 2021

 

It turns out I'm really not very good at creating consistent content for my blog, even though I'm thinking all the time about writing, both for the sake of sharing my journey through grief but also for the therapeutic value of writing. This is all because I'm also not very good at disciplining myself and my time. Add to that the fact that grief is an all-consuming monster that never quite lets up, and I'm pretty much spinning my wheels.

Today has been the kind of day where I'm just done with it all. I'm sick of trying to wrap my mind around the mystery of death and the afterlife as well as trying to digest the permanency of death. I keep saying to myself, or to God, maybe, "All right, I've proven that I can survive and hey, this has been an interesting experiment, but can you send my daughter back now?"

I know tomorrow will be better. When my sleep is disrupted and I've had a migraine for several days, my coping mechanisms are better. But today I'm weak and tired and sad and just full of grief. And anger. And sadness. And loneliness.

 

Image by Cara Shelton from Pixabay